i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
