what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
