Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
