And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
