the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
