I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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