dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
