Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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