Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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