Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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