You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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