A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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