Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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