dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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