I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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