If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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