I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
