Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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