I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I will be naked everywhere
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
