fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
