drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
