Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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