I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
