instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
