Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
