Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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