I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
