We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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