So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I believe in your delicious
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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