And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
