I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
