So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How external is "for external use only"?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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