the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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