When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I did not marry a roomba.
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