just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he was CRYING into my vagina
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize