Kiss
Puke
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
