rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
