Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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