I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
