Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
