First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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