Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
