Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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