I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Pooping to opera.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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