I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
this beer tastes like vomit already
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
