i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
