hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Pants are for mortals
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
