Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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