wanna go halves on a baby?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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