Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
