I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
