Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize