my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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