Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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