if i can run in heels then i can drive
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
