I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
