i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I lost the right to judge tonight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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