Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
