I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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