I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
