wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
