just survived the first fart of the relationship.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
