Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize