There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh god it's open bar.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
