I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
