we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
