you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize