I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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