oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
