My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Couch. On fire.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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